The Paradox

There are some great theoretical issues that fall under the category of paradox.  Things that seem to contradict but in reality do make sense.  Among these great paradoxes are God being one and three, free will and predestination, God being able to do ALL things except sin.  For me, there is one more great one that I have learned this year and that is being a wonderful mother and a horrible mother all at the same time.  Now don't get me wrong, I don't have any unreasonable insecurities of my mothering skills, just a realistic analysis of them.  As my mom friends will probably tell you, being a mom is the single greatest experience and blessing bestowed on us, but also the craziest and most difficult!!  It is nothing short of insanity for us to think we can raise children without at some point potentially screwing them up.  Because of this it is nothing short of divine intervention that all children aren't completely deranged!!!

They say that when you get married, your flaws are magnified.  This is true times a thousand as a parent.  Impatience, inability to handle high levels of stress, anger problems, selfishness, whatever your great fault might be, it becomes a neon blinking beacon, resting brightly atop your head for, what seems like the whole world, to see!  I was naive enough to believe that the love you feel for you child would overcome all my own faults and I would be a super great mom.  That love, as pure and unconditional it is, does NOT magically change your faults, much to my disappointment about two days after bringing Caleb home. 

On top of your own faults to contend with, you are also bombarded with all the Dos and Don'ts generously given to you by every mother and mother-want-to-be.  "Get your baby on a schedule," "let the baby operate on it's own time," "only breast milk," "formula is just as good," "don't pick the baby up all the time," "Never let the baby cry"...horrible mommy.  The truth I have found is that I can't do it, not by myself anyway.  God gave us the amazing responsibility to give birth to and raise up children.  An impossible task.  But as we learn in His word that though impossible for us as mere humans, nothing is impossible for the Creator of the Universe!! 

So as I have learned to deal with the guilt of losing patience at times and loving that the 15 minutes of a shower that I get (not even every day!) as a mini vacation, those feelings don't make me a wonderful or horrible mother, they just make me human!  I believe God gave us this sacred responsibility so that we would have to depend even more on His strength and trust Him with a children.  We dedicate our children as a demonstration of our commitment to raise them up in God's word but also as a way to say "God, I can't do it, only you can.  Apart from you, I will probably traumatize this precious child for life!" 

Despite all my motherly affection and best efforts, I know the only hope for my precious boy to grow up to be the man I hope him to be and, most importantly, the man God wants him to be, I have to put him before God's mighty thrown and let God raise him.  All I can really do is pray and allow God to use me in whatever ways He will!